Mourning Lost Expectations

September 6 dawned as any other Wednesday - except for it held special significance in the Pavey Household.  It was the day we had knowingly waited the last 36 weeks to arrive: the due date of our sweet baby girl.  However, after a trip to our midwife, and lots of walking, it didn't seem as if our little girl was ready yet to make her appearance.

After our appointment, we headed home and made sure all of our bags were packed and ready for the hospital, just on the rare chance that she might decide to actually come on her due date.  Unfortunately though, that day came and went - no baby.  I knew in my head that most first time moms go past their due date, but that didn't help with my growing discomfort (or my ever expanding belly!)

Days came and went... with little to no contractions, and growing disappointment.  As each day passed, I felt as though my energy level was slowly being depleted - would I even have the strength needed for labor?  Was her size going to make a natural birth impossible?  Would I be forced into an emergency C-Section?

On September 13th we headed into our 41 week appointment and discussed our options.  We were presented with a few options: to be induced the following day, to hope that she would come without prompting over the weekend, or to be induced the following Tuesday.  Selfishly, we didn't want her to come during the craziness of the weekend, as finding a replacement for Tyler at his work always brings added stress, and my birthday was the following Monday. In addition, I had already used a full week of maternity leave, and I felt I was wasting my short time away from work without a baby!  We talked and prayed, and decided that the best decision for our family was for me to be induced the following day.

We went home, and with a mixture of excitement and terror, we cleaned our house from top to bottom, packed everything we could possibly need, and prepared our hearts for the arrival of our sweet girl.

We left a little early for the hospital so that I could get my nails done, because I insisted that I at least wanted to feel somewhat put together with a manicure and curled hair.  However, none of that would matter in a few short hours.

We arrived at the hospital for my induction around 4pm, assuming that I would be given medication that would start contractions, as well as pain killer and a sleep aid so that I could rest before active labor the following morning.  However, the evening did not play out that way.  I went into the hospital dilated 1cm, by 6 pm I had been prepared for the induction, and by 1am my water had broken.  The first few hours were miserable, as the pitocin was not offering me any breaks in contractions, but their strength still was not great enough to push me any closer to delivery.  I was finally given painkiller around 10pm to allow me a break.  I immediately fell asleep and was able to rest.

When the painkiller wore off a couple of hours later, I woke up in excruciating back labor.  My water broke, and I was approximately 6cm dilated.  However, this was an artificial dilation, and I would have to allow my body to start over and naturally dilate.  I felt defeated when I realized the last few hours of pain were practically pointless, but with Tyler by my side encouraging me, I felt sure that I could stick to at least some of my birth plan and deliver naturally.

As the pitocin strengthened my contractions, and the back labor intensified, my resolve weakened.  We tried everything that we had learned in our birthing class, assisted by our nurse who never left our sides (I am convinced she was an answer to prayer for both Tyler and me.)  Our nurse and Tyler poured encouragement over me as I tried changing positions, a warm bath, walking, and many other pain management options... but nothing allowed me any break from the pitocin-induced back labor.

After about 3.5 hours of this, I had only progressed to 7cm.  Our nurse spoke honestly with me: if I did not relax, I could remain in this state for many hours.  However, even once the pitocin was turned off, my body would not allow me to relax - I shivered uncontrollably, but was burning up.  I willed my body to relax, but even "between" contractions, my entire back was locked up.  I began throwing up from the pain, and I saw the look of concern on the nurse's face as I began to bleed out.  The pain stopped me from thinking clearly, I felt like I was in a haze - what happened to my perfectly planned natural birth?

I cried as I realized that I was not going to be able to continue - I hardly had the energy to stay conscious through the pain, let alone deliver a baby after many more hours of this unrelenting labor.  I looked at Tyler with tears in my eyes and told him, "I can't do this any more.  I have to give up.  I'm sorry I'm not strong enough. I need an epidural now!"

He held my hand and whispered sweet encouragements to me, "You're doing great, you haven't given up!  Our plans our changing, but our daughter will be here soon. You're doing amazing.  An epidural isn't a failure - it has nothing to do with your strength."

Our nurse spoke similar encouragements over me, "You're doing great - this isn't giving up!  Your body needs a break.  You WILL deliver this baby however you choose.  This is your story, no one else's. An epidural doesn't mean you lose."

When I finally chose the epidural, both Tyler and our nurse breathed a sigh of relief.  The anesthesiologist was called in - that was the longest 30 minutes of my life!  Tyler allowed me to squeeze his hand as hard as I possibly could, counting the minutes until I could receive relief.

Tyler was sent from the room as the anesthesiologist prepared my epidural.  Our nurse held me tight as the epidural was administered, and warned me that it wouldn't take affect for about 20 minutes - but praise Jesus! I immediately felt relief.  Within moments my body relaxed, the shivers stopped, and the cramping through my entire back was released.  I was checked a few minutes later, and had progressed 2 cm in 10 minutes.

Tyler was allowed back into the room, and had the biggest grin on his face when he realized I was no longer in pain.  He came up to me and grabbed my hand, "That's the first smile I've seen from you all day!" The midwife came in to check on us.  She said she would let us rest for about an hour, because I would be ready to deliver shortly.  We were shocked - we get to sleep?!  I grabbed some rest, as Tyler began notifying the family.  We would begin pushing around 7:30am - our daughter would be here soon!!

I felt no pain through the rest of my delivery, but I was able to still speak with the midwives, the nurses, and Tyler.  Though nothing about our birth went as planned, I do believe in the end, we chose the best for our family. I was able to be aware as I experienced the birth of our daughter, rather than in a haze of pain.

At 8:39am our precious Rosemary May was born.  People always talk about the overwhelming love that they feel as soon as they lay eyes on their children - but it wasn't like that for me.  I already felt that love for her, and when I saw her, it was as if I had always known her, I had always loved her.  I looked up at Tyler with tears in my eyes, "This is our daughter? Can you believe it?"

In that moment, my love for my sweet husband grew even stronger.  As he looked at me and our sweet Rosie, his eyes filled with tears, and I could see the love he had for both of us.  His look spoke volumes, even without words - he would always love, protect and provide for us.


As I write this, it has been 6 weeks since Rosie entered our lives.  Every day we learn to love her even  more.  She has changed our lives for the better, as we learn to walk this crazy new adventure together.  Sometimes as I think back over our birth story, regret and sadness begin to creep in-   however, I have learned that it is okay to mourn what could have been.  I had great expectations for how my birth would go, for how I would experience early labor at home and head to the hospital on my time, for an unmedicated birth.  But it was not to be - everything about my birth story was full of interventions and medications.  I have mourned the loss of my expectations, the loss of my hopes and dreams of the birth of my first child, and I have embraced the beauty of these truths:  my daughter is here.  My daughter is healthy.  My daughter is well developed and growing well.  I got to experience labor, but I also was able to relax and breathe easy for delivery, experiencing it without the haze of pain sending me in and out of consciousness.  I was able to smile as I delivered our daughter.  I was strong enough to bring a sweet girl  into the world.  I am a mom!

My prayer is that as I continue into this adventure called Motherhood, that I will allow myself to let go of the expectations, and find joy in the journey.  It is okay to mourn the lost expectations, but we cannot let that mourning continue forever, or it will cloud our ability to find joy in the moment.  So I have mourned my lost experience, but have found joy in the life of our daughter.  My prayer for you, is that no matter where you are in your journey, you will find joy.

- Kailey